Assurance, Advantage, America

Seventeen. I moved into my own apartment. Took a full time job at Barnes & Noble. Started my pit of debt, obtained some student loans, and began my first year of college. *Blessed*. My worries included lack of money, often lack of transportation, papers, exams, grades, relationships, and my dog. *Lucky*. Dad was long gone, and I fought with or often wasn’t on speaking terms with my mother. I felt sorry for myself way too often. I didn’t have time or money to go anywhere or do anything. I thought I had it rough. *Fortunate*. Like every (normal) teenager, I was a flibberty-jibbet. My life plans changed as often as my mood. Monday I wanted to be in music, Tuesday a veterinarian, Wednesday an ecologist, Thursday a doctor or nurse, and by Friday I had usually made up my mind to be a free spirited world traveler.  *Golden*.  What amazing oppportunities I’ve had. To even have the right to hope that I could be any one of those things in my life… In the end, I went with Thursday. I became a nurse. I wanted a career that would help me help people. I wanted to be the Friday that didn’t just travel the world to sit back and stare in awe or lazy empathy. I wanted to be the Friday that got my hands dirty with purpose….So I’m trying that out. First stop, Cambodia.

Contradiction, Courage, Cambodia

Beauty and tragedy walk side by side in this amazing country. I titled this post “Compare & Contrast” not realizing what a daunting task that would be. At this point in history, comparing Cambodia to America would be like comparing bananas to toucans. Sure we all dwell in the same tree, but toucans have the freedom to fly….As long as I’m alive, I have opportunity. I have an actual chance at doing and succeeding in almost anything I sincerely set my sights on. I take that fact for granted way too often. I live a life of excess and luxury compared to my Cambodian counterparts. 

For those of you who may not know of Cambodia’s devastatingly dark history, don’t feel bad. Until a few months ago, I too had no idea of the heartbreaking mass holocaust that occurred in this country only 30 years ago (1975-1979), and the disasterous effects it has put on its people. Somehow the details of these important historical events managed to slip right by all of the history and social studies courses I endured during the past 17 years of my formal education. hmmm…But because my blog is meant for reflection and not for history lessons, I recommend to you the following site http://www.mekong.net/cambodia/index.htm . It is an excellent source for information, photographs, biographies, and personal accounts of the Khmer Rouge rule, devasation, and recent history of Cambodia.  

What I can say now…

I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know how I would feel, what I would be doing, who I would meet, and how, if at all, I would be changed because of  it. I prepared the best I knew how. I read of the tragic history, watched documentaries, read a few books, and talked briefly with other members of the team I would be traveling with. I acted as I would for any other extended travel with my list making, itinerary reading, troubleshooting, and packing dilemmas. I even rememered to pack plenty of in-flight entertainment for my delightful 28 hour, one way travel experience….And with confidence I can now say that none of this obsessive compulsive planning really prepared me, at all, for the experiences I encountered and the change I would see in myself.

It’s been over a month since I returned from Cambodia and I’m still somewhat speechless. I try to tell my friends and family about  my experience in a way that will bring it to life, but I have failed miserably. I’ve also made numerous attempts to write about it in my blog and have yet to produce anything remarkable. I probably open up this Post Edit at least 3-4 times a day, hoping that I will finally be able to successfully put it all into words. No dice. I think the problem is that so much happened every single day of my trip that there’s no possible way to recall it all. And when I try, the picture my words paint just seems incomplete and devoid. Furthermore, attempting to recall my feelings on each and every event in a productive and comprehendable manner is an overwhelming task. 

Though I may not be able to put it all into words, there are particular days that still weigh on my mind and heart on a near daily basis. Our second day in Cambodia we visited the S-21 Prison and Killing Fields. That entire day felt like a funeral. Walking through the rooms of a school building where thousands of innocent people were torn from their families, imprisoned, and tortured was painfully sobering. Seeing their pictures hanging on the walls with looks of confusion and desperation made my heart sink. Walking through the fields where these people were taken and murdered or left for dead was shocking and appalling. As we walked through the killing fields, we could still see bones, teeth, and clothing on the ground from the so recent mass genocide of these faultless people. Leaving gave me that feeling as if I were departing the funeral of friend’s untimely death…of an awful and senseless tragedy.  It’s that miserable realization that if you leave and go on with life, you accept what has happened and are somehow OK with it. I left that day with so much anger and sadness over people I had never even met. I can’t begin to imagine the sorrow the people of Cambodia must feel everyday.

Though the sad reality of this country’s history was difficult to swallow, the incredible spirit of these people kept me kicking. Visiting the villages and setting up medical clinics were definitely my fondest memories of the trip. The people are so overwhelmingly gracious and kind. They have nothing and yet are so quick to give it up. Some women offered me bird eggs as a token of their appreciation for seeing them and their children (My translator, Vatha, was happy to accept all of my yummy foreign treats on my behalf). Our medical team consisted of myself, 3 other nurses, a pharmacist, and our incredible translators from Phnom Phen. It was anticipated (and greatly underestimated) that we would see around 30-40 patients at each village. As this was a pioneering trip, we had no real idea of what we should expect. Amazingly, after a few days and only five different villages, our tiny team treated over 700 patients! We saw everything from heart disease, epilepsy, and stroke to malaria and typhoid. Treating people in school yards, under canopies of trees, in huts, and during torrential down pours just enriched the already awesome experience. The basic yet tremendously needed care we provided during those days is something I think about and often use to humble myself when silly frustrations at work arise.

More to come….

So it’s been four long, exhausting (yet exciting), whirlwind months since I last wrote of my many mini life adventures. Though I have countless stories of what I’ve done, where I’ve been, and the amazing people I’ve met along the way, so much has happened and changed that it honestly all feels like a blur. All of the ups and downs (and near quarter life crises) in such a short time period makes me hardly able to recall it all or differentiate one place or experience from the next…For that reason I’m quite disappointed in myself for not keeping up with it all via this little blog. It was intended, afterall, to help me stay in touch with myself. Even if no one reads it, it’s good for my soul and my sanity to put it out there. So I suppose I should recap and update for those of you who I have yet to catch up with since settling back down into a stationary existence.

Mid August: Camp Wicoshootme (along with my daily torture) had finally come to an end. If ever in my life was I close to losing my mind, it was at this quaint little New Hampshire Hell. Though relieved to have regained my personal freedom, the imminent obligations of major life decisions were stalking the back of my mind quite consistently. Leaving the Northeast meant I was going back into real life where I had no job, no home, and  no strings attaching me to anyone or any place.  So like most young twenty somethings I decided it would be a great idea to go to New York City for a bit to help clear my mind.
 Shockingly enough, smelly summer subway stations are actually pretty great places to clear one’s mind…and appetite…but that’s beside the point. Being in such an outrageously  populated place made me feel so incredibly insignificant…which oddly enough brought me much needed peace. This feeling combined with my recent paradoxical summer experiences of freedom vs. camp imprisonment, uncertainty vs. love, excitement vs. disappointment, newness vs. annoying familiarity, etc, set off a variety of  emotions and epiphanies inside me.
Epiphanies: First I realized that I have the ability to survive and be perfectly content on my own. For 3 months I was pretty much my own support system, my own best friend, the only person I knew at most places I went. Secondly, good people are everywhere and I have the awesome ability of turning those good people into my dear friends. I now have amazing friends I can visit in some pretty rad places like Boston, Maine, Vermont, Connecticut, New York, Baltimore, DC, and even Canada!  Finally though, and most importantly, I admitted to myself that I was tired. Tired of being alone, tired of wandering about in an unstable state of being, and tired of having only my car to call home. Was it worth it? Without a doubt. I found myself.

Nashville: This is my home. I don’t know how it happened, but it sucked me in and man did I miss it while I was gone. I left Nashville in late May as if it was just another meaningless stop along my way in life. Not in the slightest way expecting to miss the city or all of the wonderful people in it. I was deeply mistaken. The moment I arrived back in Nashville, I felt like I had never left. It felt like home. Even if I was still living in my car, at least it was parked in the city I wanted to be in….

So with help from wonderful friends and their cozy couches, I worked my way back to being a normal human being.  With my dear friend and now roommate, Leland Grant, I found an adorable place to live (that doesn’t have 4 wheels) in an awesome little neighborhood called Germantown. And though I was certain I would never find a job in this economy, I quickly landed one in the Pediatric Emergency Dept. at Vanderbilt, the job I’ve wanted since I graduated college. Most importantly, I was reunited with the love of my life and sweet fur child, Pepsi. She had a conniption fit of happy when she saw me for the first time…ok maybe we both did.

Cambodia: I went in October. It was amazing. I’ll write about it very soon. With pictures that will warm your soul.

Below are a few simple things that have gone on since I’ve been home. Doubling as photographic reminders of why I love Nashville….also Pepsi in her ridiculous bee costume….naturally.

For those of you who may not know, I’m currently working at an all girls summer camp on Newfound Lake in midstate New Hampshire. The setting is beautiful and the idea of my current position and locale is dream worthy. A vast lake surrounded by summer homes and picturesque evergreens. Winding roads that trail from the camp lead to cozy little towns filled with lamp posts in the place of street lights and family owned general stores instead of shopping malls. No city skylines in sight, just the pitch black with at least a thousand stars visible in every direction. Experiencing wildlife, rivers, mountains, or lakes is as simple as a quick bike ride down the way. It’s the type of place I imagine myself vacationing with my husband, 2 and 1/2 children, and perfectly behaved golden retriever. All dressed in white linen shorts and pastel tops with J.Crew cardigans (yes, even the dog). We’d have cookouts everyday, a toast at every meal, and fireworks just because. I promise this majestic imagery is not exaggerated in any way (excluding my outlandish family vacation fantasy of course). It’s all right here at my grasp, in all of it’s eternal summertime glory.  

Now for the rest of the story….

Let’s rewind a tic and allow me to remind you that I’m working in this incredibly described little bubble of the world at an all girls summer camp. Myself, 3 other nurses, and a student nurse are responsible for the healthcare and wellness of around 300 campers and counselors. But hey, it’s summer camp! What could go wrong?! All we do is sings songs and hug and eat marshmallows, right? Wrong. Let me also refresh your memory and bring you back a few months to a recent media health scare known as H1N1, aka “swine flu”….Now…let’s do some math: Summer camp+1 person with H1N1=Camp wide swine flu pandemic.Yes, you read right. And yes, it totally happened.

I can’t even begin to describe the incredible annoyance and mental/physical anguish that this pesky little virus has caused me and my fellow nurses. I’ve worked harder than I’ve ever worked, sometimes for literally 24hrs at a (uncompensated) time. I’ve dealt with more needy people, confused doctors, and nervous parents than I’ve ever thought possible in one month’s time. I’ve been at my wit’s end and on the verge of a conniption on a near daily basis. All the while plastering on a happy face and going along as if everything’s totally cool. Keeping my voice chipper while talking to frustrated parents, and my demeanor relaxed when trying to manage sick call with 40 demanding  and inpatient preteen girls. It’s truly been one of the most difficult and exhausting jobs I’ve ever had. Perhaps because I expected one thing and got something completely different. Sometimes, on the rare occasion that I’m not stuck in the health center, I’ll catch glimpses of the dream world camp that I imagined when I took this job. It amazes me that outside of our medical hell, games, campfires, talent shows, and happiness are still actually occurring at a steady pace all around camp. On the positive side, I’m glad that all of this is able to happen in large part because of my and my colleagues diligent and hard work (<—-understatement of the year).  If even one of us would’ve hit our wall and left, this place would’ve fallen apart. So, am I a hero? I can’t really say….but yes.

Moving along….so in between the outrageous days and nights of summer camp nursing, I’ve been able to visit a few more amazing northeastern destinations. If you’re my friend, you know that I’m a pretty happy and optimistic person and therefore writing this fairly negative blog is not in my nature. But have no fear. I’ll soon redeem my optimistic ways with fantastic updates on my little getaways that include wonderful things like reuniting with good friends, Red Sox games, Hampton Beach, Champlaine Lake, and the Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream Factory.

PS: Thank you ahead of time for not saying things like “I told you so” or “see what happens when you go to New Hampshire”. With a state motto like ”Live free or die”, I was obviously meant to end up here at some point in life.

 

 

This week I visited Portland, Maine. I have never been that far north or east, and I must say I absolutely loved it. The people were kind, the accents were adorable, and the city was bustling but quaint. All the buildings looked like historical monuments set against the cozy cobble stone streets.  It was much more touristy than I expected, and as you’ll see in most of my pictures, I totally fell into it’s sneaky little trap of shops filled with moose and lobster pride, beach garb, and local foods.

 

 

 

 

I was guided around Portland by my friend Nichole who I met about this time last year while visiting family in Florida. We hadn’t seen each other since then, but have the kind of friendship that makes that ok.  She introduced me to a couple of her friends, who were equally as cool. One of them even let me sleep on his couch during my stay (thanks Justin).

 

 

 

I’m not gonna say that I didn’t take the whole “Moosin’ around” thing a little too far…cause I maybe possibly might have…Portland made it too easy for me though…It’s all Portland’s fault…

 

 

 

Reflecting now on my short visit, I honestly didn’t expect to feel so much for this tiny spot of the world…Once again I appreciate the fact that life never fails to surprise me with my own feelings.

It also made me wonder what everyone else thinks about this. Is there any “thing” that you would wait outside, night and day, rain or shine for? For a week? I don’t mean like a million dollar giveaway or something equally cool/outrageous. Let’s say something equivalent to $200, about the cost of these Nike shoes.

Destination: Denver and Southpark, CO (9800 ft elevation)   June 9-14, 2009

 

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The title of this blog is dedicated and inspired by my awesome friend Karie Falder, aka K.Fald. Karie and I worked together at Vanderbilt and over the past year have grown to be best friends due to our wonderfully similar  ridiculousness. When I started talking about and planning my Couchsurfing Campout trip a few months ago, K.Fald was brave enough to jump on board with my random and crazy idea. Words cannot even express how happy I am that she did, this experience would not have been nearly as magical or memorable without her amazing presence. I wish I could clearly explain this title to its fullest meaning so that you, too, could understand the importance and hilarity of it, but I’m afraid I would just sound weird (or weirder). Just know that outrageous ESP, happenstance, TJ Maxx, a car named Cassandra, and kismet were involved in its making.

K.Fald and I celebrating her 25th Bday in Denver

 Our rental car was none other than a neon blue PT Cruiser. Initially we were a bit disappointed in our less than hardcore ride, but quickly warmed up to our little beauty and even gave her a name: Cassandra. After a not-so-friendly welcome, we felt that it was necessary to show our newfound appreciation and love for good Ol’ Cass. The manner in which to do this was obvious….we photographed ourselves in our most provocative of poses on Cassandra’s hood. As you can see below, K.Fald, myself, and Cass are all looking pretty fierce and, dare I say, intimidating in our saucy poses.  

Our first night in Denver was pretty much spent celebrating the fact that K.Fald had reached her 25th fabulous year of life. We bounced around town, trying new things and meeting new people. It was just what you think a birthday celebration would be, nothing too unique or interesting really, so I won’t spend much time elaborating on it. The next day was when the actual exploring began. In my true traveling style, we hit the road with no real agenda or plan. Confusingly, we made our way around downtown, seeing some cool spots like the Art Museum and other miscellaneous oddities. It was definitely a good time and brought us some fairly ridiculous pictures, but I think Karie and I both had our wild hearts set on venturing into the great outdoors.

The Drive there was filled with a million moments of awe. We probably pulled over at least 10 times to just take in the beauty of everything around us. None of the pictures I took did this area any justice.

This is just a teensy weensy taste of the majestic Colorado world that we experienced along our drive….OK! On the the campout!!!!

 So for those of you who don’t know, Couchsurfing is a worldwide organization that networks travelers from near and far with members of local communities. These “locals”  provide both helpful information for the visiting traveler and most of the time, even host them in their home during their stay.  This amazing idea allows you, the traveler, to go virtually anywhere in the world without paying for accomodations while simultaneously providing you with a built in tour guide, friend, and information station. I’ve been involved with it for about 7 months now and it has seriously changed my life. I have met, hosted, and been a “tour guide” in Nashville for people from places like San Francisco, Newfoundland, France, Philadelphia, Chicago, Germany, the list goes on and on. I also experienced the unexpected bonus of meeting some awesome people in my own Nashville CSer community whom I now consider my dear and wonderful friends. If you’re the strict, private, (stuffy), organized type of traveler, this randomness may not be your cup of tea. But even if the idea of staying on some stranger’s couch or spare bedroom doesn’t appeal to you, it still has some incredible benefits such as always having a friendly contact in whatever strange and foreign land you’re venturing off to. Anyway, enough free promotion for Couchsurfing. The “Tentsurf” campout was basically a huge Couchsurfing event for the North American branch celebrating 10 glorious years of good business. People from all over the country were there to share stories, experiences, and make more incredible memories. I was one of those lucky patrons.

 The campout was filled with everything you could hope and wish for in any normal camp experience. Mountain air, cowboys, bonfires, drum circles, roasted marshmallows, flame throwers (?), a DJ, a partial marching band, and a stranger filled spontaneous wedding….yep totally normal.

 

 

The song “Painter” by Norah Jones has been in my head on and off for the past few weeks. Writing this now, it feels like the perfect title for this particular blog entry. The lyrics are simple, almost child like, but I feel that they very accurately express how I feel at this moment. While I’m excited and happy about going on my little adventures in the world, I wish that being near to the ones I love and miss was as easy as just painting them into real life in real time as I wish…wherever and whenever that may be.

So June 9, a week ago today, I said a temporary yet suprisingly difficult goodbye to Nashville, my sweet fur child Pepsi, and many dear friends. I spent the morning distracting myself with thoughts of cleaning, organizing, packing, and planning. As usual I procrastinated myself into a near panic and thought for sure I wouldn’t have time to complete everything (which I barely did).

 On top of having a million things to do, I had the added annoyance of sobbing my face off every other minute at the sight of little Pep. She was her usual clingy self that day, following me from room to room, laying her head on my feet when I was still for long enough. Knowing I was about to leave her for the summer was weighing much heavier on my heart than I ever imagined it would. I’ve left her in the past for a few weeks at a time, or even to live with my mom for a bit (though I saw her often).  I think what bothers me so much this time is that I’m realizing that I don’t have forever with her. At the ripe old age of 8, she’s already at least half way through her unfairly short life. That fact gives me this pulling feeling now that I should take advantage of the time that I do have left with her. Leaving for 3 or more months doesn’t really fit in with that feeling. I know to many people, maybe even you, a dog is just a dog and it sounds silly to invest so much emotion into an animal. To me, my sweet Pep is family. She has been the only constant thing in my life since I was 16 years old and just writing this makes me miss her comforting company that I have way too often taken for granted.  

 After leaving Pepsi with my wonderful friend Chelsea, I turned on some sappy music (a tearful mix of Norah Jones and Coldplay) and unabashadly cried all the way back to Nashville.  It felt really, really good.

After both a physically and emotionally exhausting day, I wanted my last night in Nashville to be simple, relaxed, and positive. I can honestly say it was just that and it couldn’t have been more perfect. Dinner and conversation at my usual little cafe down the block, followed by more relaxed conversation from an unexpected yet wonderful view of the city from atop a downtown building. It left me with a feeling of complete content and peace. Looking down at Nashville from a perspective I had never seen with a person that I hold dear, but have known for only a short time, reminded that I don’t always have to go somewhere else to find wonderment and new experiences.

Currently listening to:

Loudon Wainwright III- Swimming Song

Brandi Carlile- Closer to You

Destination: Maryville, Townsend, Great Smokey Mountains, TN 5/31-6/3, 2009

                    This is the backyard of the home I visit every year in Maryville,TN                        

 Every summer for the past 3 years I have made my small voyage to this cozy little town in the Great Smoky Mountains of Tennessee to visit my best friend from Texas, Brittany Hale, and her sweet Grammy and Aunt Suzanne. Though I’ve visited numerous times, I always seem to forget how incredibly majestic and peaceful it is out here. As soon as I exited into Blount county from the interstate Sunday night I could smell the country coming through my car air conditioner. It was about 1:00am and completely dark, but I could tell that the fields around me were full of freshly cut grass and baled hay. After I pulled into park at Grammy’s house (She has now claimed me as her own and even has a picture of me on her TV stand) I just stared at the sky above me for probably a steady 4-5 minutes. It’s shocking how many stars you can see when you leave the city. I was amazed at the fact that stars, as the song says, actually do twinkle when you’re far enough into the country to actually see them.

Monday Brittany and I set out searching for some kind of mountain-esque adventure. Both being from relatively non mountainous terrain we decided that this was definitely a priority on our to do list. We explored some rivers pictured here. 

This is a river spill way we saw while driving. We stopped and explored a little bit.

 We also found this incredible scenic drive called Cade’s Cove where we saw tons of wildlife (including 3 black bears!!).Fun Fact: The Great Smokey Mountain National Park is on of the only free National Parks in the country. Everyone should take advantage of it if you have the chance.

Another view of Cade's Cove drive

                                                                                                           The tunnel into Cade’s Cove

       This deer was only a few feet from us.                                 Bears!!! Ahhh!! I think it was a baby…

Near the end of Cade’s Cove drive we found this trail that led to a scenic waterfall called Abram’s Falls. Underestimating the signs use of the adjective “moderate” in describing the trail terrain, we took off on our 5 mile hike. I can’t lie, it was a bit tough and I might hav definitely tripped a few times (and busted it once), but all in all it was totally worth it.

More "moderate" terrain, haha

Our "moderate" terrain. I fell here...don't judge me.

The beautiful Abrams Falls

The warning sign right before reaching Abrams Falls...wow...just wow.

Many people have been suprised by my decision to leave a stable job, in an amazing hospital, in these economically “hard times” after putting in only one year (and trust me, I clearly see that it seems like a crazy thing to do). I fully realize that I’m taking a risk, that I’m gambling with my future and quite possibly setting myself up for instability or even failure. I’ve heard “what if” from every person that knows and cares for me, and I’ve even heard it from myself…but more importantly, I’ve also felt an incredible sense of relief and peace since I made this decision. That peaceful feeling reminds me that I’m on the right path, no matter how uncertain or insane it looks.

 I’m not just jumping without a parachute though. I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid. If you’re reading this, you probably know me, but you may or may not know that I kind of have a problem…In contrast to being outlandishly spontaneous, I’m also somewhat of a control “freak”…I’ve always been a planner, a list maker, a mildly obsessive compulsive organizer if you will. I may decide to throw caution to the wind and start a whole new life, but you better believe that I will have calculated every detail, considered any other options, measured all possible outcomes, and troubleshooted before I do it…Which is exactly what I have done, and here is the loose life itinerary that I have not so scientifically formulated:

Wait, wait, wait, I must first preface my plan with this: If I’ve learned anything in my life it’s that no matter what, I have to make sure that I’m happy. That may sound simple, but millions of people spend their whole lives trying to fulfill that simple statement with little success. So I need to be certain that even if every second isn’t wildly over the top with excitement or fun, that I’m making a conscious effort to do things and be around people that make me love life, laugh, and be…well…happy.

OK! So the plan…

In my effort to be around people that make me laugh, I’m heading to Maryville,TN this weekend, in the Smokey Mountains, to visit my sweet best friend from Texas, Brittany Hale. Her wonderful Grandma and Aunt live there and will be hosting me, Brittany, and Pepsi (my dog) for a few days. Following my little Smokey Mountain getaway I will return to Nashville to pack my things, say my goodbyes, and prepare my apartment for my summer subleters. Staying on the mountain theme, June 9-13 I will head to Denver, Colorado for a crazy Couchsurfing Camp Out with my friend Karie. I’ll definitely post a blog or two about my experience there, but as of now I’ll let you know that we have tentative plans to go white water rafting, hiking, and partake in lots of bonfire dancing and s’more making. When I arrive back in Nashville June 13, I will be hopping in my car and trekking it to my next mountain range; the White Mountains of New Hampshire. I’m sure you’re wondering what the heck I’m going to be doing in New Hampshire, and that’s a valid concern. June 15-August 17 I will be working as a camp nurse at an all girls camp called Camp Wicosuta. Again, I don’t really know what to expect, but I will be posting many blogs about my experiences there this summer. This is where the plan gets a bit more uncertain. September is up in the air, but in October I am visiting Cambodia for 10 days as a volunteer nurse with an amazing organization called Freedom’s Promise (www.freedomspromise.org).   Whew! It sounds much more intense when I write it down, but I’m ridiculously excited about it…every wild and uncertain moment…

In conclusion, my goal with this blog is to stay in touch. In touch with you, but also with myself. I hope that you feel more connected with me through this and will feel free to comment, ask questions, and give suggestions.Talk to you soon dear ones.

With Love and Sincerity,

Me.